Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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