pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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