he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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