I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
