I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
