I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
