Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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