I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
