I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
