I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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