Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
