i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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