i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
