i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
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just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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