Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
