last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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