I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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