Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
