So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
