my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
