So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
