I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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