so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
