DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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