I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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