he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
