i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We're too hungover to prance.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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