there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
