I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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