Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
