all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
