Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
