Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Found the puke drawer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
