he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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