your parents love me but you hate me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
not ubering you a puppy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
