All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
