I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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