She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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