oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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