I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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