you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
