textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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