yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
