Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize