i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I deserve this hangover.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
