My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
