I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
