not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
