Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
