Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
that may or may not have been my penis.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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