he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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