OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
