We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
