i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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