i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
