hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
