Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
