you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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