how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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