You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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