4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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